A Buzzing Little Honeybee

  So today, Joshua and I went to the doctor to listen to the baby's heartbeat.  && miraculously it was there. Sounding like a horse galloping, but that was our baby's heartbeat.  It came in so clear and strong, it brought tears to my eyes (corny, I know).  It just makes it seem so much more unreal that I'm going to have a little bundle of joy in a little under 7 months.

A tiny peanut, really?

I'm about 10 weeks along.  Which is amazing, scary, and unbelievable, unreal.  I look at my belly, and think is there REALLY something growing in there? Something with little toes and fingers (& fingernails).  Its so hard to think of myself in the role of mom. I know that seems so silly but I've always been one to criticize my parents.  Sometimes harshly, sometimes less so.  I always had these big expectations when I had kids I'd be married and out of school, in a house with a dog (which we have, he just thinks he's a child) and a loving support system. Most of which I have just as different roles.  I'm still going to have to struggle through school, and I know I won't be the first.  Its still scary though.  I'm still going to have to hold a job that will at least contribute to the income.

I don't think that sometimes people understand how hard it is.  To be going through all these changes, and to be so upset sometimes and not even really have a clue as to why you're upset.  To allow hormones to take control and basically it sucks. Some days I feel super excited about the little peanut, others I feel scared to death.  I'm nervous about being a mom, and worried about what type of mother I'd be. The biggest thing I'm scared of is the delivery. Of course there are other things to I'm worried day to day, about the baby, what needs to be done, what needs to be bought, and your relationship. I think Josh and I have a strong relationship.   No we don't get along all the time, nor do we like each other all the time.  We love each other all the time though, through, irritations, frustrations, and even through crazy hormonal Heather, we love each other.  We attempt to support each other, and provide for each needs the partner has, but we have only officially been dating for almost 6 months.  Its mind boggling how much can change in a year.

Tomorrow we go to see the little peanut's (s') heartbeat(s). Something we are both excited and thrilled to be doing.  I know this baby (whether boy or girl) will be a beautiful little child.  Unfortunately he/she will have some undesirable traits thanks to mom and dad.  They'll be stubborn, headstrong, and passionate in what they believe.  They'll be quick to anger, quick to forgive.  Hopefully, they'll have a strong sense of self worth and know that no matter what, they are loved by a web of friends and family. We are hoping for a boy.  However, a little girl would be just as loved and welcomed.

This first trimester (still have a few more weeks till I'm out) has been hell. Literally.  I've had morning sickness, dizziness, ligament cramps, name it, I've had it.  Joshua has been amazing through it all.  He's always thinking of baby first.  Whether its "Heather, don't let the dog jump on you" to "Have you taken your prenatal vitamin?" He's held my hair back when I'm buried in a toilet, and at times, when he feels the need to share the toilet, he never leaves so he's more comfortable.  He stays in there until I'm ready to leave.  I know I've been demanding but he's been amazing.  && no he's not my loving husband.  He's my loving partner, boyfriend, and best friend.  I don't know how I would have gotten through it so far without him.